That's My Kid

“That’s My Kid”

Subtitle:
On Chinuch, Responsibility, and Treating Every Child as Your Own
Inspired by teachings of Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein

Before one can begin being a proper mechanech, he has to make sure he realizes the massive obligation he carries on his shoulders to ensure that he leaves a proper impression on the children brought into his jurisdiction. He must realize that it is his responsibility to do his upmost as a teacher, for the way you treat him will leave an impact which may direct the way he acts for the rest of his life.

Therefore, I want to put this in perspective by learning one of the most fascinating Hidas I have ever heard. But before that, I will start with the background story which led me to this incredible discovery.

Going back a couple years, I was an assistant principal at a yeshiva in Mill Basin called Crown Heights. At a certain point in time, a difficult situation arose regarding a boy in the eighth grade, where I was currently the Rebbe. He had done something really bad and they wanted him thrown out.

According to the rule we had agreed upon, in order to throw a boy out of the yeshiva, everyone had to sign on a paper, as if it were a beis din. The principal of Hebrew and the principal of English, the assistant principal, and the teacher who had him as a student at that time. The point was that we want to throw this child out, and if you think there’s a reason he should stay, you have to speak up now.

Now, this was a school for kids who weren’t frum, coming from very secular families. So it wasn’t like if we would throw him out he would just find another yeshiva to go to. Rather, we knew we were his last stop. If he left our school, he would probably end up in public school and go on to marry a Non- Jewish girl and have goyishe children. There were some serious ramifications which we had to take into our calculations.

It happened to have been that I was going to eretz yisroel in the middle of this. So I temporarily abstained from signing the paper, as I just didn’t know what to do, and wanted to see my Rebbe Rav Gamliel about some guidance for this difficult predicament. “We have a very serious situation, and I don’t know what to do.” I told him upon our meeting. “There is a boy in my class who was a machti,” he didn’t just do something bad, but rather brought someone down to do something bad with him. “and the yeshiva wants him out.” I continued. “They want me to sign to have him expelled, but I know what the consequences of such a decision will be, and it’s left me in a terrible quandary”

He listened thoughtfully, and then told me something which has helped me my whole life since then, and we are going back a long time, over twenty-five years. And I’m going to say this over although it’s a very hard thing to swallow, because it’s something you need to know.

“Everyone has three questions when they get up to shamayim.” He said. “The first question they ask you is if you were honest. The second thing they want to know, is whether you set aside time to learn Torah. And the third they ask you is if you yearned for the mashiach. And if you are a woman, they ask you if you kept your husband honest, or did you tell him to do things he shouldn’t. Did you push him to learn, or did you keep him away from learning. Did you talk to your children to ignite a spark within them so they would yearn for the mashiach, or did you leave any potential they had for yearning dormant within them?”

And just as an aside, it was interesting to me that they ask you if you were honest, before asking you if you set aside time to learn torah. I mean, after all, Talmud torah keneged kulam. So isn’t that the most important? “If you don't answer yes to the first question, they don't ask you the other two.” Rav Gamliel said. “If you're not honest in business, then all your torah and moshiach doesn't mean anything”.

“But if you are a Rebbe or Morah, then Hashem has a fourth question for you.” He continued. “Hashem inquires whether you treated the children in your class like your own. Because He is a partner in this child just as a parent is.”

“If you answer yes, you are good to go. And this doesn’t mean you are not allowed to make mistakes, after all, every parent does. But if what you answer is, ‘well it’s not my kid, I don’t have to invest that much in him.’ Then you are put in the tehom, the lowest you can get to in gehinom. And once you go in, you will never come out.”

“What?!” I said in shock. “Never?! Really?” “Yup.” He said again. “you’ll be sent to the tehom, and once you get in, 11 months of kaddish isn’t going to help.”

“So then why would anyone want to be a rabbi or a morah?” I asked him. “First, they tell you they are going to pay you practically nothing, and then even that they don’t pay you. And if the kids like you, then the parents don’t like you. And if the parents like you then the faculty doesn’t like you. It’s the most unappreciative job in the world! And on top of that we get a fourth question? Why in the world would anybody want such a job?”

“Because on the other side.” He explained, quoting a zohar in parshas terumah, “If you treat hashem’s children as your own, they will sit you in the highest place in gan eden where even the greatest tzadikim don’t have the zechus to sit. And to top it off, Hashem will say your name bezivug every single day.”

So there's two sides to it. If you do it right, no job is better. But if you mess up, you’re going to pay for it big time.

I said this at a Torah u’Mesorah convention, and when I was finished, a Rebbe ran after me saying, “Rabbi Wallerstein, you have me convinced. The yeshiva I teach at is going to have to start looking for a replacement, because if those are the terms, there is no way I am ever teaching another child again. Because nothing makes me shudder more than the thought of being asked that question, when I know the harsh consequences of failing to live up to such a standard. I just don’t know if I can succeed in treating the children in my class as if they are my own”

“Just the opposite,” I told him. “You’re the only guy in the room that should stay in the field. Because if it bothers you that much, it means you’re doing it right.”

 So I'm telling you all right now, that if you can't do that, get out. You could become a secretary, a construction worker, whatever it is that you want to become. But get out now. If you cannot treat every child in your class as your own, don't be in chinuch. And I don’t want to say there’s hell to pay, but that’s exactly what there is. Rav Gamliel was very clear about that.

So I went back to Yeshiva , and told them, “I thought about this very deeply, and if this was my son, I would do anything in the world to keep him there. Therapy, deals, I would go the mile to keep this kid around. For there is no way I would allow my child to be chucked out to the wild with no one to hold his hand. I would never let him go, without guaranteeing that he is going to be in the best place for him.”

And yes, sometimes you even have to let your own kid go because he is destroying your household. But you can never do that without ensuring that he is in a good comfortable environment away from home.

So tomorrow when you go to teach, you have to look at every little girl and every little boy, and whisper to yourself, “that’s my kid.” And believe me, when it’s your child, you’re going to think more than once or twice before you punish him or talk to him in such a harsh way. I mean, at least you’re supposed to.

Now, my Rebbe didn’t make this up. This comes from a Hida, this comes from Megillas Rus, and this comes from the Torah.

So I’m going to read you the Hida now, and he says the following, “When Yaakov Avinu went to sleep on Har Hamoria, he had a dream. “I am Hashem the G-d of Avraham your father, and I am the G-d of Yitzchak.” Said our Father in Heaven to Yaakov as he laid there on those rocks.

A simple analyzation of the text will reveal that there is some very interesting terminology going on over here. After all, Avraham is not Yaakov’s father, he is his grandfather, yet Hashem says to Yaakov, ‘Avraham your father.’ And then when he refers to Yitzchak who is actually his father, he doesn’t say your father. What is going on over here?

“I wonder why Hashem calls Avraham his father, yet his own father Yitzchok he doesn’t call his father,” says the Hida, voicing the question which he brings down from a rishon. “So it seems to me, that during the thirteen years of Yaakov’s life that Avraham was alive, Yaakov was involved in doing mitzvos and Avraham was very close to him. Avraham had much affection for his grandson who was sitting and learning and so he called him his son. Therefore, Hashem called him his father even though he was his grandfather.”

Meaning, if you are a Rebbe or a Morah, and you treat the child as your own although you have no relation to him, then that girl or boy will be considered your son or daughter.

“But Yiztchok loved Esav more than Yaakov Avinu, and therefore he wasn't considered his father. Because if you love this child more than the other, Hashem will not call him your son.”” It’s a pliyadikeh Hida, all the more so that it’s about our forefather Yitzchak, but he brings it down from Rabbeinu Ephraim who was a Rishon.

This is a concept which can be difficult for us to accept, but what we see from here is that what your blood relation to him is but a minor detail in shamayim, when analyzing whether he is called your son. It’s not the one who gave birth to them, rather the one who treats the child as his own. And if a father doesn’t treat one child on the same level that he treats another, he will not be given the privilege of being called Avicha. Yitzchak loved Eisav more, therefore Hashem left Avicha out.

So when my Rebbi said that you have to treat him as your own child, it’s because in shamayim, that’s precisely how they see it. Your student is called your child if that is how you treat them.

And I know what you might say, “Well Rabbi Wallerstein, you know how it is. There are some kids in my class which I treat like my own children. They are good boys and I get very close to them. But there are also those kids who the moment I see them I go, ‘oh no, what now?’ These kids are trouble right from the start, and it’s very hard to develop a relationship with them, let alone treat with them with the level of affection which I would treat my own child.”

But in Hilchos Talmud Torah it is very clear. If you don’t like the kid, don’t teach him. Either find him a new place to be, or find yourself a new class to teach.

And before you tell me it’s impossible because a person can’t possibly love two children with the same level of passion, let’s take a look at the Midrash Tanchuma. It details Avraham’s charged conversation with his Creator when he is commanded to slaughter his very own. Love is something with no boundaries, a point made no clearer than in that fateful talk.

“Take your son as a sacrifice,” was all Hashem said at first, leaving the door open for multiple possibilities. “Which son are you referring to?” Avraham asked, confused. After all, it made more sense that Hashem wanted him to bring Yishmael, after being told that Yitzchok will build a great nation with many generations to come. 

“Your only child.” Hakadosh Baruch Hu explained, the only real son you ever had. But as obvious as that might seem to us, that description wasn’t clear enough to Avraham. Because each of his wives had only brought him one child, making each the only child he had in that aspect. “Yitzchok or Yishmoel?” He pondered. Based on the description, it could have been both.

“The one that you love,” Hashem said, being more specific. “Well I love them both.” Avraham retorted. “The one that you love more.” Hakadosh Baruch Hu responded. “How can I love one more than the other?” was the shocked reply. “Is there an obstruction in my heart, blocking me from loving one more than the other?”

Having the conversation flow in this fashion, Hashem saw that all of this explanation isn’t going to get him anywhere. He was going to have to be very specific. “Take Yitzchok.” Hashem commanded, closing the conversation which would lead to the greatest act of sacrifice this world has ever seen.

Why? For what reason did Hashem choose to have this rather extensive conversation, when He could have been very specific from the outset? Why hint time and again at what he would like Avraham to do, instead of just saying, “Avraham, please take your beloved son Yitzchok, and offer him to me as a sacrifice.”

Well had he skipped through all those details and went straight to the bottom line, we would have missed out on a very important lesson. We would have never known how far love could go; how boundless it truly is. Teacher or parent, one child or a thousand, there is nothing limiting you in the amount you can love that child sitting before you, and it doesn’t matter what child it is. Two sons, twenty-five students, a school full of talmidim, there is nothing you can say which can adequately excuse you from loving each child with every beat of your heart. You have to get along with every one of them. You have to treat each child as if he is your own. And you have to treat each one, as if he is the only child you have.

That is what Avraham Avinu said. “What do you mean that you don’t love this child in the same powerful way as the other. Why wouldn’t you? There is no reason not to. There are no boundaries in your heart blocking the love it holds within from reaching every person you meet. There’s no boundary of how much you can love a child. There is no boundary of how much you can love any child.”

Let’s take a moment to analyze the relationship Avraham had with his son Yishmoel, for it brings out this point in an amazing way. I’m sure many people assume it was a very distant relationship, because we view him as this big rosha who Sarah wanted thrown out of her house. But the reality is that this outlook couldn’t be further from the truth. It is true that Avraham threw Yishmoel out of his home, but that doesn’t mean he threw him out of his life.

Sara came over to Avraham and said, “Listen, Yishmael is negatively influencing our son Yitzchok. He’s teaching him to kill and steal and use a bow and arrow. Things have gotten to the point where we can’t have him around anymore.”

Avraham was the best in kiruv, and he was like, “don’t worry about it, I’ll work on him. I’ll bring him back onto the derech.” “That’s very nice,” Sarah responded, “you can work on him outside of the house, far away from where he can influence our son. I know you love Yishmoel very much, but you can’t keep him around at Yitzchok’s expense.”

Even so, Avraham didn’t agree with her, and he wanted to keep Yishmoel around and try working with him, until Hashem came to speak with Avraham and ended the discussion. Because when a child is negatively influencing his siblings in way that could drastically impact their development, he has to be sent away.

But even after sending him away, Avraham Avinu still loved Yishmoel very much, and three years after he was expelled from their home, Avrahom asked Sarah if he could go for a visit.  “I’ll make you a deal,” she told him, seeing the eagerness in his eyes. “You can go, but you have to swear to me that when you visit him, you will not get off your camel.” She knew how much Avrohom loved him, and so he was worried that if he got off and went inside his home, he might end up staying there for a while. And who knows how long that could be?

Avraham agrees, and heads off on his journey to visit Yishmoel. Around midday he arrives at Hagars tent, and bumps into Yishmoels wife. “Where’s Yishmoel?” He asks her. “he’s out with his mother,” she tells him, “they went to gather dates in the midbar.”  “Well can you give me some bread and water?” He asks her, “I’m famished.”

“I’m sorry,” She says with mock sincerity, “We don’t have food or anything to drink.” Avraham realizes she had no idea who he is, and decides to keep it that way. “That’s fine.” Avraham says to her, “just please tell your husband the following things. “an old man came to visit him from Kanaan, and he should know that one day, his house will collapse.”

When Yishmoel comes home, his wife relays the message, and immediately he understood who had come to visit, and what had transpired. “Well, what happened?” he asked her for clarification. “Why did he say that?” “I’m not sure,” she explained, “He asked me for food, and I told him we don’t have any.”

Upon hearing this, and with his fathers message strongly reverberating in his ears, Yishmoel divorces her on the spot and sends her away.

A little while late, Yishmoel finds another girl names Petuma and marries her. And after three years, Avrohom comes for a visit once again. And once again Avraham finds Yishmoels wife upon his arrival and asks for her husband. After being told that Yishmoel is out feeding the camels with his mother, Avrahom tells her that he is very hungry and thirsty, and would like some food.

Upon hearing this, she runs to bring him some bread and water for him to feast on, and immediately Avrahom gets up and starts praying for Yishmoel, after which he blesses him with all the good this world contains.

Yishmoel returns home that evening from a long day of feeding camels, and as his wife serves him supper, she relays to him the day’s events. “An old man came today, requesting to see you.” She said. “After I told him that you weren’t home, he asked for some bread and water to eat after his long journey. I ran to bring him some food, and he then joyfully prayed for you, blessing you to have a house full of everything good.”

When Yishmoel heard this, he knew clearer than ever how much his father loves and cares about him. “my father may have sent me from his home,” Yishmoel thought to himself, “But he already came twice to check on me and make sure that I am doing okay. And today, he gave me the most amazing brachos.” 

And the lessons this brings us is one worth pondering over, for so many of us are scared to tell our children anything. And all the more so, if we would be in such a difficult situation. Thinking about having to throw one of your beloved children from your home for the sake of protecting the others. Would you then have the audacity to go over to that child and tell him how to conduct his home? You threw him out! What zechus do you have to be an opinion in his life from that moment forward?

Yet Avraham Avinu had no qualms going over to Yishmoel and telling him there’s a problem with the way things are going on in his house. The fact that he threw him out was a mere detail in their relationship, because the detail of the fact that something needs fixing was far more important.

 Yishmael should have said. “You of all people are telling me that my house is going to fall?! You threw me out of your house! What happened from that day onward is absolutely none of your business. Who are you to give me mussar because my wife didn’t give you something to eat?”

Yet for some reason, Yishmael heeded to his fathers words, instantly divorcing his wife upon hearing the message. And that reason was Yishmoel knowing completely that it was coming from a place full of love and care.

If only we understood this distinction, everything about the way we raise our kids would be coming from a completely different angle. We are all so afraid of giving discipline in our generation, but it is such an important ingredient. We think that opening our mouth would be veering away from the approach of unconditional love which we are trying to have. But we don’t understand that our definition of unconditional love is the farthest from the right one, and it is leaving us with disastrous consequences.

When we give our children whatever they want whenever they want, that is not unconditional love. That is on condition that my child will love me. I just do whatever he demands of me, because I am afraid that declining his every request will only lead him to despise me.

There is a small litmus test which you can weigh against your actions to determine the motivation behind them. Just ask yourself, “If I knew that my child is going to dislike me even after I give him whatever he wants, would I continue giving in to his every last desire?” and if your answer is no, then you know that it’s precisely there that the buck ends. You are doing it only out of desperation for his love and your fear of losing it, not because you love him unconditionally. We’re convinced it’s our only key to a relationship, but it’s the furthest thing from a loving relationship, when what you’re giving him is only to his detriment.

Unconditional love means doing what is right for your kid, no matter what it will cause him to think of you. And this is something which we clearly see in the relationship of Avraham Avinu with his dear son Yishmoel. He loved Yishmoel, and therefore he did what he believed would be best for him, no matter what. Sure there’s a risk that it will cause his son to despise him for opening his mouth, but he couldn’t think about his personal standing when his sons future is on the line. “I brought up this child to do chessed,” Avraham thought. “Yet his wife is turning me away without a second thought, after a simple request of bread and water. I can’t have my child stuck in a situation heading for disaster. He must know that his house is heading for destruction, and if he doesn’t want to be trapped within its debris, he better get out fast.”  

Yishmoel heard these words, knowing that it’s coming from a man who was full of love for him, and therefore heeded to the advice and divorced her on the spot. Because if your child knows you love him, he will accept any amount of discipline you bring him. And if he doesn’t know you love him, even the smallest comment will irk him to the core. Whether vocally or not, his immediate response is going to be, “get out of here. Don’t tell me what to do ever again.”

And this is what the Rambam says, “Hug him and hit him.” And we are not talking about whacking him in the literal sense, what we mean is a verbal blow, a little bit of mussar to the child. And what the Rambam is saying is that you better be sure he knows you love him before you open your mouth.

And if he doesn’t know you love him, let’s just say your mouth would have caused a lot of less damage if only it had been kept shut. For if he knows that you really care about him, whatever you say will be accepted with open arms. But if he doesn’t think you love him, the smallest comment will drive him away.

If you are a teacher and the first thing you do is yell, you are going to have a problem. He will view it as if you have taken an utter disliking towards him, an image which will flood his senses, ensuring he doesn’t see or hear anything you say from that moment forward.

So if you want to have an impact on them, make sure they know that you love them dearly, it’s the only chance you have. Impress on them that you are their fan, give them the time they need to truly grow and develop. And if you say, “Rabbi Wallerstein, that’s not fair, I don’t have time to stand in the corner of the school yard immersed in a deep conversation for hours on end. I don’t get paid for that.” All I have to say to you, is don’t do it. Stop teaching and find yourself a job that pays you a lot more.

The reason why I am being so harsh is because the teacher’s relationship to a child is much powerful than you can possibly imagine. And in that relationship, you can either destroy him or her, or you can build them into superstars. And sometimes they come from families that are very dysfunctional and they need a functional teacher, not a dysfunctional one. They need someone that cares about them enough to take them out and invite them for Shabbos. They need someone who will sit next to them by lunch and ask them how they are feeling. Delivering your shiur and running on home is just not going to cut it.

And don’t just try fixing them on the surface. Rather, put in the effort to truly discover who they are and what they are going through. It is the difference between the what’s and the why’s, and the deeper reason is all that really matters. Because if you just focus on what the boy is doing, the why underneath will still be there, and the behavior will persist. But if you can figure out why he’s doing what he’s doing and find a way to fix that, the what’s which are going on will disappear on their own.

After giving a shiur on the absolute importance of this, one rebbe sitting there put the problem to me simply. “It’s impossible, it’s absolutely impossible. I have twenty five kids in my class, and every one of them has something else going on. One has an IQ of 155 and the other has an IQ of 105. One kid has an incredible memory. He remembers everything he sees, when the other kid doesn't remember what he had for breakfast this morning. One kid comes from a home with incredible parents, a mother and father who are all lovey dovey and tend to his every need. He comes to school every morning on a full stomach from the delicious breakfast his mother just made him. His clothes all smell amazing because she puts bounce and all other good smelling things in his wash.”

“And who is he sitting next to? A classmate who has the furthest thing from such an ideal life. His mother lies in bed all day doing absolutely nothing, because she’s depressed. And his father just screamed at her before this poor boy left the house, “You lazy thing, get out of bed!” After which his father said the thing which sent tremors of fear throughout his entire body, “That’s it! I’ve had enough! Tonight, I am not coming home!”

So this poor kid walked out that front door this morning in a state of total shock. “What’s gonna be?” He thinks to himself. “That’s it, my father has had enough. Who knows if I will ever see him again?” And of course his father is going to come home, but in his head this might have been the last straw. His whole family is a wreck and his mother’s depressed, so he comes to school shaking like a leaf in the wind.

Yet you put these twenty five kids into a room and hand them the same test with the same material. How can you tend to every one of their needs with so much going on? First of all, the system is not fair to them, they are judged through the same set of questions when the difficulties each one encountered to manage to prepare, is so different than the next boy. One kid can’t wait to go home and have supper with his loving family, while the other is shaking at the prospect of walking back through that door. Who knows what’s waiting to greet him on the other side?

Which is why we have to take a step back and realize that they’re all individuals. They may be in a class, but they are in a class of their own. Don’t judge them by what you taught them and the mark they were given on the test. For it excludes the definition of who they are and what they are going through. Rather, judge them by the effort that they put in to get there.

I always say the right side of the report card, the side with the subject marks, should be put in the kosel hamaravi.  That’s not his reports card, that’s G-d’s report card. He gave this kid a terrible IQ and put that one is a dysfunctional family. Hashem is the one who placed him into this world with learning dysfunctions and disabilities. That’s not the kids report card, that’s His report card.

But the left side of the report card, where they take note of his effort and personal conduct and interpersonal relationship, that’s connected to the boy whose name is written of top of it.

And every time I say this, I have people coming over to me going, “come on, this is too much. You probably didn’t do well in school Rabbi. That’s why your saying what you’re saying.” But it’s not true. I’m not saying what I’m saying because of what happened to me. I’m saying it because of what I understand happens to my students. I’ve been a Rebbe for long enough to realize how difficult it is for children to compete in a game where the rules are so different for each and every one of them.

Which is why I base a lot of the grades on the test which I give my students orally. This way I know where every student is holding before I give him the written test. And what I do is I ask each kid a question which is a little bit above his ability, meaning I evaluate where he is holding and then challenge him based on how much I know he can do. So whatever he got on the test doesn’t really count that much. What counts is how much effort I see he put in. That is what I put on the report card.

Anything different wouldn’t be fair. Because when I see a kid who is putting in 100 percent effort, how can I give him any less than an alef. If I have a kid with a ninety five IQ putting his heart and soul into learning as well as he can, and if I give credence to that by putting an aleph on the left side of the report card, how can I put anything less than an 100 on the right? How can you give him a sixty when you know he’s putting in a hundred percent?

“But Rabbi Wallerstein,” people tell me, “you can’t change the system.” But there’s a system in shamayim, one that was put into place far before this one. “But they are going to fire me if I do that!” I know, but I can’t give the kid a seventy when I know he’s putting in a hundred percent. How can I do that to him? How can I write fail in big red letters on the top of his report card?

Do you really think that when Hashem is judging you on Yom Kippur He writes “Rosha!” in big red letters and tells you to have it signed by your parents? These are your children, and I understand that this is the mark they got. But you are shredding their heart to pieces by handing them that paper.

And on the opposite side of the spectrum, every good word, every nice letter, can have a massive impact. Even if the kid gets a 60, find something good to say to him. Show him you know how hard he’s trying. He knows he failed, pronouncing it to him again and again will only dig him deeper into the pit he so desperately wants to escape from.

I had a girl in my office who’s in a very bad place. So I asked to see her report card, and I was shocked. I saw she had a ninety-five in science. “Wow!” I told her. “Ninety-five? That’s incredible! It took me three tests put together to get a ninety-five in science.” I was exaggerating, it had really taken me two tests, but either way, I realized that she had very good grades, and I didn’t understand what was going on. “what’s the problem?” I asked her. “You have ninety fives and eighty fives and nineties. These are great grades. What’s wrong?”

“Well Rabbi Wallerstein,” she told me, “if you look to the right of where my ninety five is sitting you will see a big M.” “Okay,” I said calmly. “so it’s modified, I understand that. That’s not a big deal. A lot of kids can’t test well writing.” Modified means the teacher is responsible to ask the kid the same test orally and see how many questions she gets right, because there are students whose head and hands aren’t correlated, and can answer a lot better when they don’t have to write it down.

“Rabbi,” she explains to me. “M doesn’t stand for modified, it stands for moron.” “Come on,” I responded. “You know that’s not true.”  “I know it’s true.” She told me with utter conviction. “I know I'm not like everyone else in my class. I understand exactly what’s going on when they take me out in middle of a lesson to send me to special classes. You think I don’t know what I am? I know exactly what I am Rabbi. I’m an utter moron.”

Ladies and gentlemen. Do you think that the children in your class aren’t sensitive? They know exactly what you think of them, they know exactly how you feel. You have the future of this child in your hands, and you can either set him up for success or destroy him completely.

And I understand that it’s a huge responsibility. You are taking the burden of a child who is not your own and bringing it on your shoulders. But remember that if you do this right you will be rewarded with the greatest of honors in the world to come. Because so many of these children are coming from homes full of abuse and total dysfunction. And you are in a position to save them like few else can.

And the most important thing you can give these kids, is a reason to believe in themselves. So many of these kids have been pushed down far too many times to try getting up again on their own, any faith they once held is nothing but a thing of the past. And if we want them to have any hope in themselves, you need to help them find a way to get past that. You need to show them that they are not all the negative things they have heard about themselves their whole lives. Rather, like Boaz taught Rus; they are that great person which you show them they can become.

If we look at that story, we can see how much of an impact one word of courage can have. Don’t think it was just some meaningless nice words. Because it was a nice word powerful enough to bring the mashiach.

And if you are confused as to what I am referring to, let’s take a look at the story in its depth so you can see for yourself how much of an impact a little positivity can have.

Rus comes to Eretz Yisroel, broken in her heart and destitute in her pockets. She had lost her husband, her money, and has now left the land she had always called home. This was a girl who had absolutely nothing in every single sense of the word.

Desperate for a morsel of bread to calm her raging hunger, she looks for a field where she can gather some leket. She finally finds a place to grab some food and joins the other paupers as they collect their daily bread, all the while trying to ignore the looks of disdain she is receiving for being the lowlife Moavite that she is.

As she’s crouching to the ground, attempting to be as tznius as she can while she collects the grains left behind, Boaz walks onto the field. And when you imagine Boaz, picture him as the greatest Gadol hador of his time. Think of the greatest gadol you know of, that’s him. He was the the chofetz chaim, the lubavitchwer rebbe, the rav moshe fienstein, the satmar rebbe. Whoever it is that you want him to be. 

He comes onto the field and greets his workers with a blessing. “Hashem should be with you.” He says, “All of you.

What a way to start the day. “Where you here on time?” “Have you fulfilled your daily quota?” “Let’s see how well you are working!” These are all very typical questions which a boss asks when walking in to see his workers. But Boaz didn’t ask those questions. As a matter of fact, he didn’t ask anything. All he did was bless them, telling them that he hopes Hashem will be with them throughout every aspect of their day.

“Hashem should bless you.” This is what his workers told him in response. Because you get what you give, and when you’re the type of boss who blesses his workers, a blessing in response is what you are going to receive.

Imagine that in the classroom. So many of us walk into the classroom and start shouting out commands, “Avromy, Get in your seat!” “Yossi, Put those potato chips away!” “Pass in your homework!” “Dovid, didn’t I just tell you yesterday to tuck that shirt in?!” “Everybody take out their books now.”

Now imagine how much different everything could be if would walk in every day and start the class with a caring blessing. “Everybody, Hashem should be with you today. On your test, when you're learning. When you go to play ball. Whatever it is, Hashem should be with you through and through.

And then your class looks at you with a smile and says, “Rebbi, Morah, you should be gebenched.” Wow, you are going to have the most amazing class.

I tell parents that these are the words which should be ringing in their children’s ears as they walk off to school. “Sheifeleh, you should be blessed today in everything that you do. If you have to guess today on your multiple-choice test, Hashem should put all the right answers in your mind. The lunch they give you in school should be somewhat edible. Everything should go good for you on the bus, and you should feel good and do great all day long.”

And then the child should say back to his mother and father, “Mommy, Tatty, you should be gebenched.” If we would only follow what Boaz did, it could solve so many problems. All those issues of shalom bayis and kids off the derech would dissolve in thin air.

A lot of people have complaints today that we teach a lot of subject matter, but about Hashem we barely say a word. Kids may get hundreds on their Gemara tests, but they haven’t the faintest idea about a relationship with their Creator.

“Hashem?” They tell you. “Oh, He’s in the gemara once in a while, but that’s about it.” There’s no connection, because there is barely any mention of Him with all that we teach. But if you would start every class with “It’s all about Hashem,” “Hashem should be with you,” it would change so much.

The reason why Yosef was an Ish Matzliach, was because all He did all day was talk about Hashem.  If you’re a teacher, you need be talking about Hashem. He is the main thing. It’s not about the text or the knowledge. Hashem didn’t give us texts when he gave us the torah. It’s not all those yedios which he wanted us to have, if they are absent of the true meaning behind them. They are all just different ways of connecting to Hashem, and if the kids don’t know that, then all that we are teaching is a waste of time.

I remember when they gave a harsh punishment to one of my daughters after coming late to school. She was told she would have to come school on Sunday, and write ten kepitloch of Tehillim five times over.  When she came home and said, “I came late to school and this is my punishment.” I was on fire. “That’s your punishment?!” I said in shock. 

What are they trying to do? Do they want my daughter to grow up despising the thought of reading a perek of Tehillim. I don’t think when Dovid Hamelech was writing Tehillim he was like, “I’m going to get those kids real good. Today I’m going to write Kuf Yud Tes! Haha!”

But the way things are going, that’s what these kids are going to believe. They will grow up and have someone ask them to read Tehillim for somebody who’s sick, and they will say, “What did I do? I don’t deserve a punishment! Why are you asking me to read Tehillim?”

We are relaying over the wrong messages to our kids this way. Tehillim is a collection of beautiful praises made for singing to our loving Creator. But there is no way they are going to see that when we deliver it as a punishment every time they step out of line.

What are we doing? What are we thinking? Torah is part of Hashem, and we need to start teaching our children to love it, and to love Him. We need to spark within them thoughts of their relationship with their Father in heaven who loves them to no end. “So what do you think Hashem did for you today? What did you ask Him for at the edge of your bed last night? Did you get it? Well, maybe you should ask Him for it again.”

Relationship, that’s what Judaism is all about, you need to be talking to your class about Hashem. They need to know that this is what Davening, learning, mitzvos, and everything else in our lives as a Jew is about.

How is it that Yosef managed to teach Potiphar, who was the lowest of the low in Mitzrayim, that Hashem is his sole reason for his success, yet we can’t manage to teach our own Jewish children?

Either way, let’s get back to our story. Boaz walks over to a boy and says, “who is this pious girl in my field? She’s not bending over, she’s being so tznius, who is she?” “Oh nothing that should interest you.” The boy retorts. “she is just some Moabite girl. She came back here with Naomi.”

But Boaz doesn’t care about what reservations this guy has toward this girl. We see that clearly when he immediately goes over to her saying, “I’ve heard about you my daughter.”

What’s going on over here? He’s calling her his daughter? He’s speaking to some shikse, why address her in such endearing terms?

And Rus shows the display of shock expected in response to such a statement. “I’m a moavia,” she warily tells him, sure that he had made a mistake. “Why are you paying attention to me? What did I do to deserve your recognition?”

“I know about you. I know what happened to you.” He tells her in response. Boaz was making no mistake, he knew exactly who he was addressing, and he wanted to make it clear that he knew all that she had sacrificed for the sake of Hashem. “I know you gave up everything, coming from a strange land. Therefore I am not focusing on this that you are a moavia, but rather I am focusing on the fact that you suffered. And yet, that you still desired Yiddishkeit after all that you went through, even if it means giving up everything you have.”

“You have consoled me by having me find favor in your eyes,” She says, showing the pain she was now in. After which she says a statement which I repeat over to teachers all the time. “You have spoken to my heart, calling me your daughter. And because you have done so, I promise you that I will not be a regular girl. I will become somebody special.” For the simple reason that somebody believes in me, I will now push that much harder and make it so much further.

“Because someone believes in me,” that is what made all the difference. Make sure every kids know that, and each one will turn out a success. When they know that they have someone who will never give up on them, they will never give up on themselves.

There are so many kids with low selfself-esteem that have given up at the age of twelve, thirteen, fourteen. And you have the ability to turn that all around by telling them they’re superstars. Go over to them, show them you care. “I know you struggled in school, but I also struggled in school and made it out just fine. And I see how good of a kid you are. You are always saying good morning to me and smiling at everyone you see. You are such an amazing person.” A few short words, words that can make a massive impact.

This is what we need to do as educators if we want to ensure that the children in our possession reach their full fruition. We must show them that they matter, that we care about them enough to put our time into their growth. We must ensure they feel you love them like they have never felt anyone love them before. But most importantly, display our absolute faith in them. Make sure they know; in our eyes, they are the most important child in the world.