Rabbi Joey Haber- Pure Golden Silence

Rabbi Joey Haber- Pure Golden Silence

Powerful Words

Our words are extremely powerful. The right words can save a life, lend hope, and build worlds. Only words can take a despondent soul, and help it transcend to the height of greatness.

Yet in the same vein, words can also tear a life apart. The wrong type of criticism is lethal. It can destroy one’s self-esteem, until their soul is left lifeless, the former shadow of a powerful potential. 

And the reality is, that these terrible situations of verbal abuse happen far too often, far too close to home. Many times it takes place in private, far away from where the naked eye can see. Yet although we can’t see it, we must realize that it’s happening all the same.

Even when we do hear about it, the stories are difficult for us to believe. How can I accept that the same man who smiles at me every morning in shul, turns into a monster behind closed doors?

This is why it will be very difficult for people to believe you, if chas veshalom you were verbally abused. Because very often the abuse comes from nice people with great reputations. These are friendly people. People who are wonderful to everyone else. People who are regarded as the greatest of friends.

Yet suddenly, when you are with that person in private, he changes completely. He criticizes you in the worst possible way, as you stare in open mouthed shock at the scene unfolding before your eyes. You try to tell somebody else, and, “He’s such a nice person. There’s no way he would say that to you!” Is all you hear in reply. It’s hard for people to comprehend that such a sweet personality, could also be so mean.

This is the topic of the pages before you. We are talking about people who are generally nice and well liked. Yet once they are put into a difficult situation, they turn into abusive monsters. If this is not relevant to you, you are a lucky person. But in all likelihood, it is.

I Am Oil

Perashat Korach is the story of a man who challenged Moshe Rabbenu in the worst possible way. He fought vehemently against Moshe’s leadership, with every intent to pull it apart. “Why did you give your brother Aharon the position of Kohen Gadol,” said Korach with scorn, “When I am clearly far more fitting?”

There is an interesting Zohar which explains the deeper meaning behind Korach’s claim. “Korach’s name is Korach the son of Yitzhar.” The Zohar explains, “And Yitzhar means oil. Therefore, Korach thought that since he is the son of oil, he deserves to be Kohen Gadol.”

Now, what in the world does that mean? What about being the son of oil, led Korach to lay claim to this lofty position? Why should Korach deserve to become Kohen Gadol, just because he’s the son of Yitzhar?

The way that we will explain this, is by delving into the two personality types most visibly present in this world. You can often find one of these two characteristics in every person you meet. One type of person is very talkative. We all know people who get super excited about every party and event. For them, going out and seeing people is one of life’s greatest joys.

And then, the other half of the world is waiting there quietly on the sidelines. They see nothing exciting about running to the next Chinese auction, when they can curl up on their couch and read another book.

But whether you are very talkative or very quiet, your personality can be used to serve Hashem in powerful ways.

These personalities are represented by the two liquids most commonly found in the Beit Hamikdash. The first one is wine, symbolizing a person who speaks his heart. As the gemara says, the wine goes in, and the secrets come out.

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you, but it has happened to me often. I am sitting in a restaurant, and notice that a table next to me is very loud. When I glance over to the table, I see two bottles of wine lying empty on their sides. The wine created that noise. It releases our inhibitions, and brings out all the secrets that we hold within.

This is why our Rabbis say, “All praise of Hashem happens on wine.” We make Kiddush on wine, and Havdalah on wine. Whether it’s a wedding or a Bris, we are supposed to drink at every occasion. Because the ability to let go, to talk from deep within your heart, is a beautiful tool in our service of G-d. Wine helps us sing the most beautiful, genuine praises to the One Above.

And then, on the other side of the spectrum, lays oil. Oil flows calmly, in absolute silence. Oil gets the job done without any noise or fanfare; in a way that is completely serene.

These are the two liquids most commonly used in the Beit Hamikdash. Wine and oil. Talking, and silence.

A Powerful Responsibility

Let’s discuss the talker for a minute. An extrovert has a tremendous advantage. They can use their voice to interact with the people around them. They have the strength to bond with people in tremendous ways. You know you are one of those people, if you had fifty conversations by the time you left a wedding. But although there is so much blessing embedded in that voice, there is also a danger.

You see, along with that voice comes some very powerful emotions. All that energy is contagious, it’s incredible to witness that charismatic person speak with so much feeling. Yet that same energy, that incredible passion, can also be used in the worst way.

Suddenly, you put that positive emotional person in a rough spot, and they become abusive. It’s not a crime that would render jail time, but that doesn’t make the offence any less severe. Words can hurt worse than daggers. And when its coming from someone with so much power and emotion, the victim can get damaged in serious ways.

I don’t know if anybody reading this has ever felt verbally abused. You are standing there in absolute shock, as the person before you tears you apart. Twenty minutes ago, they seemed like the happiest, most positive person on earth. But now you can’t believe what you are experiencing, as they viciously destroy your self-esteem.

This happens at work very often. There are bosses who think they have the right to lash out at the slightest infraction. They blow up every time a project isn’t finished on time, or done the right way.

And the same thing can happen with teachers at school, or parents in the home. Because verbal abuse is usually a product of power and stress. When a person with power experiences anxiety that pushes them over the edge, they begin lashing out and destroying people in the worst possible way.

Power leads a person to believe he can say whatever he wants with no repercussions. If I am a parent going through a lot of stress, if life is making me feel frustratingly hopeless, I can use my child as my emotional punching bag. Because I know there isn’t a thing my ten year old kid can do in response. I am going through stress, and I have so much power while he has none, so therefore I can act however I please.

So these two components, power and stress, especially when combined with powerful emotions, triggers the opportunity to be verbally abusive.

To Instruct or Destruct

But what you have to realize as a parent, as a boss, or in any position where you stand above, is that you have a right to direct and instruct as often as you like. You can guide them on the path to success, teach them to fix their mistakes, and help them succeed. But you never have a right to be negative. You cannot hurl insults or call people names, no matter how right you think you are.

There will never be a circumstance where you have a right to put people down. I don’t care if it’s your child, and I don’t care how wrong they are. It doesn’t matter if your employee destroyed your whole business. You can instruct and direct. You can inform and you can criticize. But never can you ever put another person down.

This same power can be used to destroy and construct. You can rip a life apart, or to set it on a path where it will thrive in incredible ways. When words are used properly, they are cherished by Hashem above all else. It is why he gave this role of singing to the Leviim. To use the power of the wine they represent, to sing out in praise to their Loving Creator.

The job of a Levi is to sing. He is supposed to be noisy. He is meant to use his loud voice and outgoing personality, to bring song to Hashem, and happiness to the people. Their job in the Beit Hamikdash, was using their voices in the most glorious way.

But while they sang, the Kohen had to capture the ability to say nothing. Therefore, the Kohen is represented by oil. His service belongs in the inner chambers of the Beit Hamikdash, where he can serenely focus on his special relationship with Hashem.

This is why the Torah forbids a Kohen from drinking wine before entering the Beit Hamikdash. Drinking wine makes noise, while you were created to use silence in the absolutely greatest way possible.

The Fifty Million Dollar Lesson

There is a story I love telling, because the characteristics it displays are as incredible as they are rare. The figure inside controls his stress, instead of letting it control him. And yes, he too has power, but he uses that power to direct in the most positive way.

Thomas Watson was the CEO of IBM. During his time there, an employee in his company made a tremendous blunder that cost his company fifty million dollars. 

Imagine you are that employee. Picture for a moment how you would be feeling, after causing such a terrible loss because of your foolish oversight. He is sitting there sick to his stomach, waiting to be handed his formal notice of dismissal. Finally, he can no longer handle the anxiety. The stress of waiting for his world to crash around him was far too much to bear. It would be far easier to end the pain, then sit there impatiently waiting for the impending doom.

 “Please, just fire me now.” He pleads to Mr. Watson as he enters his office. “Just put me out of my misery. I’m sitting here waiting you to call me in and fire me, as I know any sane employer would do. I accept full responsibility for my mistake. I deserve this consequence in every sense. So please, let’s get this over with. Just fire me now, and put me out of my pain."

“I just spent fifty million dollars educating you,” Thomas Watson replies, feigning surprise. “Do you think I’m going to fire you now?”

That is the composure that most people lack. It is the ability to experience massive stress, yet to use your power to guide rather than destroy. I am going through a lot right now. My employee just made a tremendous blunder. If there was ever a reason to be verbally abusive, this would be it. Yet my response is silence. Pure, golden silence.

Unabashedly Oblivious

“My father was named oil.” Said Korach. “My grandfather named my father Yitzhar, because we represent the beautiful silence of the Kohanim. It must be that we were destined to be on this team. And since the Kohen Gadol is anointed with oil, this must be a position that I deserve.”

Korach took his father’s name as a message of the lofty place that he belongs. He took is as a sign that he is one of the holy people who can serve Hashem in the way that oil does. But in reality, his personality wasn’t just different from Aharon’s; it existed on a completely different spectrum.

Never in history did we find someone who was as verbally abusive to Moshe Rabbenu like Korach was. Korach says horrible things directly to Moshe Rabbenu, in a ferociously defiant way.  He thinks he’s oil, but in reality, he’s the worst form of wine. He claims to belong in the royal place of silence, as he uses his words to unabashedly abuse in the worst possible way.

This is shocking to many of us. How can Korach contradict himself so openly before the entire Jewish Nation? But the reality is, that Korach represents the kind of verbal abuse that happens often. The phenomenon of having a person be completely oblivious to the abuse he is inflicting, is far too common to ignore.

And the place where this happens most, and where this can be the most damaging, is inside the realm of marriage. So many times a spouse refuses to believe they did anything wrong. They feel like the greatest person alive, as they walk the streets smiling at every person they meet. But once they get home they feel power, a power they use to unload all the stress they experienced, on the person they should be caring about the most.

What makes it even worse, is that within a marriage you often have a third component, and I picked this word very carefully. The very fact that a couple cares so much, creates disdain when an argument erupts. It is a disdain which in twenty minutes will be completely nonexistent. But in the moment, when they are feeling that power and that stress, there is an anger towards their spouse, and even a hatred.

That power, stress, and anger, all comes together, to allow this person to verbally abuse without batting an eyelash, in the worst possible way.

This is the model of what Korach was. He thinks he should be the Kohen Gadol, when in reality, he is the exact opposite of what such a position represents. He thinks his words are so pure, when in reality, they are contaminated with repugnant filth.

The soap called Zivug

There is a reason why verbal abuse happens often in marriage. Hashem in his infinite wisdom, often marries you off to the person with certain characteristics that irk you the most. For some reason, you don’t see it when you’re dating over a steak in Reserve Cut. Yet suddenly, when you march down the aisle, you begin seeing things you never noticed before; and they bother you a-lot.

You begin to see that the person is much quieter than you had expected. “Hey, I never realize she acted that way!” You troubledly think to yourself, as you see parts of your spouse’s personality that you never knew existed. And it irks you. It bothers you far more than a child, employee, or parent ever could.

Hashem does this to us for a good reason, a reason far greater than finding a way to bother us.

I will tell you what it’s like. There is a certain soap which is really good at lifting stains out of your carpet. You put it all over the rug, and when you come back twenty minutes later, all the dirt is sitting on the surface, where you can take a rag and easily wipe it away.

Hashem brings this soap into each of our lives. And the soap brings out all of our weaknesses. It lifts all our negative character traits to the front of our minds, where we can easily find them and wipe them away. The name of this soap, is your husband. There were characteristics which you managed to keep dormant for a long time. Things never bothered you to the point where you got so angry before. Yet somehow, your spouse has the skill to find all those negatives and bring them to the surface.

So let’s say you find yourself in that situation. Your spouse is doing precisely the things which you hate the most, and your blood is boiling. Your nerves are jumping, and you feel like your head is on fire. Never in your life did you imagine that you can feel this way.

And then you think to yourself, “Is this me? Why is Hashem doing this to me? Why did He place characteristics in my spouse which would get under my skin in such a dramatic way?”

So now is the time to stop. Now is the time to take a deep breath, step out of the situation, and realize that Hashem placed you in this moment with the best intentions in mind. He wants to bring the dirt out of your carpet. He wants to get out all the filth and grime from the recesses of your personality, so you can finally clean it once and for all.

Let’s explain what I mean. Soon after getting married, most couple’s will inevitably realize that their spouse has some weaknesses. They have no problem with it. They accept the fact that their spouse’s weakness means that they have a job to do. My job is to fix that weakness. I have to get to work explaining, telling, and guiding my spouse, until they finally get the point, and change their mistaken ways.

So they begin explaining, telling, and guiding, over and again, day after day. “I see a weakness in my spouse, I have a responsibility to fix it, and I will keep explaining why she is wrong, and why she needs to fix this urgently, until the flaw is gone.”

Until at a certain point, you begin to realize that not only is your guidance not helping the relationship; it’s destroying the connection completely. And you shockingly ask yourself, “I’m a nice person, how did I turn into an abusive monster?”

Because that isn’t your job. You were never meant to try changing your spouse until you find yourself being verbally abusive in ways you never expected.

Hashem didn’t create your husband or wife’s personality so you can find ways to destroy it. He created this soap to bring out your anger and highlight your impatience. He created the weakness in your spouse, so that you can figure out the weaknesses in yourself. And now that you realize your shortcomings, find a way to fix them. It’s not to fix him; it’s not so you can scream at her about how urgently she needs to change. It’s to bring out the dirt in your personality, so you can find a way to banish it completely.

This is what we must realize from the start, before we begin to try changing our spouses in the slightest. If her personality bothers you, it’s so you can learn to be more accepting. If she makes you wait, it’s so you can learn to work on your patience. Those characteristics are there for good reason, specifically tailored to ensure your success.

Hashem put us in this marriage, to bring out parts of us that we didn’t know existed. “Oh wow. I didn’t know I was that type of person.” We are suddenly exclaiming in shock. “I didn’t know I could feel like that or think in such ways!”

The soap is here and it brought out all the dirt. “Don’t throw that dirt onto your spouse,” Hashem says, “Rather figure out where the dirt is coming from, and clean it up yourself.”